7. Hatched From A Queer Egg

By Bradley Baddley

I woke up the next morning with a rock hard meat thermometer. A one hit wonder pitching a tent in my hotel room bed. There was epic dirty sex at the Flaming Tubes clubhouse, but no reciprocation for moi. This was part of the excitement of being in the box with Sue Johnson – he grabbed my hand and said “No” when I tried to jerk myself off. Sue said it would be hotter if I went without … and that was why I woke up the next morning so horny … so randy I was actually humping the bed.

Always the size queen, Becky has penis on his mind …  but do you think I should say has penis on her mind instead? Not really. Because I’m not really a TS. I’m much more of a horny boy who likes to dress up as a girl. If you ever hung out with me, you wouldn’t think I was a girl, even though I look like Britney Spears with no tits when I dress in girl’s clothes. You would know I was really a boy.

I saw a woman’s article about an online survey that asked if penis size is important – 80% of the hens interviewed think it is important, (do you like how I called the women hens?) The other 20% were either lesbians or not interested in sex. The 80% who are interested think the U.S. has a perceived average penis length of 5.7″ but at the same time, they think an ideal meat popsicle length is 6.8″ … Did you know that only 2% of all men have tonsil ticklers that exceed 7″? The reason why you see so many big Italian salamis in porn is because the porn producers go out and look for the 2% of men who have the biggest dicks …

So where am I going with all this nonsense? Well, what I’m thinking is if you have a much smaller than average penis, and you’re not from some country like India or South Korea where small dicks are the norm, maybe Mother Nature intended for you to be queer. Nothing to be sensitive about. Grab a ruler and see what you think. If you’re under 5″ and you have repressed gay fantasies, maybe you should stop repressing it and start going for it, because you might just be a born skin flute player … though actually, sucking cock is more like playing the clarinet unless you’re one of those guys who likes to sort of gnaw on the side of it … but you can get a horny top guy really annoyed doing that … just gnawing on it … it’s better to stick it in your mouth and suck on it … that’s why it’s called sucking cock, not nibbling cock … but anyway, here’s where I’m going with this – if the hens who want to fuck men are looking for bigger than average trouser meat and you have smaller than average trouser meat, maybe you were hatched from a queer egg … you might have what we will call “queer destiny.”

I was definitely hatched from a queer egg … back in olden times, the word “queer” was considered derogatory, but now it’s O.K. to call gay people queers. I don’t mind at all, because it describes me fairly well. You can use the “Q” word all you like. I’m about as queer as you can get … I started getting queer with my little playmates at a very young age. I’ve been queer all my life. I seduced an older hung lifeguard when I was just ten years old, and he let me get queer with his trunk meat out in the bushes behind the Chesterfield Swim Club. I was giving totally queer deep throat blow jobs before I was old enough to drive. It’s not like you can’t tell anybody you’re queer these days …

Do you like low hanging balls? I do too. There isn’t anything sexy about a shriveled up scrotum, but when your nuts are swinging low, that’s hot. The warmer it is, the lower dem balls go. You could probably make a thermometer out of your nuts – you would know how hot it is by measuring the length of your ballsack. When it’s really hot, I have to be careful not to let my balls swing back and forth too fast, because it hurts like hell if you hit your balls too hard on anything, even your own inner thigh. It’s also much easier to get your balls caught in your zipper when they’re hanging low on a hot day … Here’s something else – Balls are funny too. You can make people laugh just by saying “balls.”

The funny thing about buttholes is they start out really tight, but the more stuff you shove up your butt, the looser your anus gets. If you shove enough stuff up your butthole, after awhile it starts to look like the entrance to a cave or a mine shaft or something like that … do you see where I’m going with this? … it’s like you’re practicing to be able to take a dick up your ass, but before long you’re shoving stuff up your butt that’s way bigger … I mean way bigger than a dick … Back when I was a queer little kid, I used to shove cucumbers up my butt … I would select the biggest and thickest vegetable I could find, and cucumbers that big are way bigger than a dick … maybe not way bigger than a horse dick, but definitely bigger than your little brother’s dick …  The hottest part is once you get it all the way in, you let it evacuate itself out … like a big green turd … it comes out real slow and it’s a stimulating sensation when you shit out a whole greased up cucumber like that … am I grossing you out yet? What about this: Do you like catching a whiff of your own butt smell when you’re having anal sex? I do. I think it’s hot smelling your own turdcutter and I also like to stick my finger up my ass and lick it … is that too queer for you? Am I making you ill? … Or do you like butt taste and butt smell too?

So anyway, I was laying there in my hotel room playing with my twig when Sue Johnson called me on my cell phone. Sue said he was thinking of splitting the Flaming Tubes clubhouse scene and he wanted to know if he could be my steady boyfriend and go with me to L.A. … this was totally unexpected. Sue has a delicious meat popsicle and everything, but just because I let him fuck me up the ano once doesn’t mean I want to get married the next day or anything … was I ready for a steady boyfriend? … and a steady boyfriend named Sue Johnson? Probably not … I told him I didn’t want to hurt his feelings or anything, but I wasn’t ready for a long term commitment. I wasn’t ready to limit myself to one steady cornholer … not yet … There was a wide world of one-eyed wanker out there and I still had plenty of dick to suck before I was done … Lots of man muscle to mount and I’m definitely looking for 6.8″ or more … face it guys, a 4″ dick can be a big disappointment for everyone involved … sorry you had to find out from me …

To Be Continued